Thai List's Jokes

Piss yourself silly with our funnies:
by Somchai

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

 

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

 

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

 

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

 

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

 


Bob is in a casino playing pontoon. He's been there all evening. He's had a miserable run and lost almost everything. "Surely my luck must change" he thinks to himself. "I'll give it one last go." He pulls from his jacket pocket the deeds to his house. This represents everything he has left in this world.

The croupier deals the cards and he picks them up. First a jack - looks hopeful. Then a six "Sh*t !!!" he says to himself. "Sixteen - what am I going to do." He stares vacantly at the two cards in his hand as his future seems to ebb away. What is he going to do ??

Suddenly a leprechaun appears on his shoulder and looks at the cards and then at Bob. It starts jumping up and down saying "Twist, twist". Bob is awakened from his reverie by the noise and looks, slightly disbelievingly at the leprechaun.

"Who are you?" Bob says.

"Twist, twist" says the leprechaun.

"But I've got everything riding on this. I've already lost all of my money and car. If I lose this I've lost my house as well."

"Twist, twist" cries the leprechaun.

Bob looks at the leprechaun and thinks "Well perhaps ....." Eventually he decides to trust the leprechaun. "Twist" he says to the croupier. He turns the card offered. It is a two. Huge sigh of relief, perspiration wiped from brow, buttocks unclenched. "I'm OK" Bob thinks.

"Twist, twist" the leprechaun says, jumping up and down again.

"But, it's eighteen. That's a good score. I've got a good chance with that."

"Twist,twist"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah, you'll be OK. Twist, twist"

Bob agonises for a few seconds and eventually reasons that the leprechaun was right last time so he goes for it. "Twist, please" The croupier draws another card - an ace!

"Wow" says Bob to himself and sits back thinking he could now recover all he lost earlier. He is just about to place his cards face down when .....

"Twist, twist"

"What? But I've got 19. If I twist I'll probably go bust."

"Twist, twist. Go on!"

Bob thinks to himself that the leprechaun hasn't let him down yet so he decides to back it one last time.

"Twist please."

The croupier draws the card. Slowly Bob reaches for it and pulls it up to his hand. He looks at it. A two. Twenty One, a five card trick. He has done it. He's got his house back, recovered all his money and made a few grand on top. Yeeesssss!!!!!

The leprechaun who has now stopped jumping up and down is motionless, staring at the cards. It turns to Bob and says "You jammy b*stard!!"

 

Cinderella was 75 years old.


After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat, Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three more wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh, thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young, and full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what you shall have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you would turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change, and there before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath.......

"I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting & couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind I found one."

The story of the Little Paper Bag

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me" said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see
what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days".
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper
bag.

"Have you been having unprotected s£x?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a hom0s£xual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor



This is good - wait for it...










"Your mother must have been a carrier"

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

A Brit, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a
smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and
arrest them.The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and
with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal
their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a
Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely
benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20
lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's
my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was
done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman
was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they all do).

The Brit was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Brit replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is
it to be? the Sheikh asked.

The Brit smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Subject: Geordie knows everyone

Geordie was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone,
and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Geordie
how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Geordie and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Geordie!
Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join
me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Geordie,s boss is still skeptical. After they
leave Cruise's house, he tells Geordie that he thinks you knowing
Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Geordie says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Geordie says, "I know him."

His boss retorts if you can prove that you know him I'll fly out
to Washington to see him." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Geordie on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Geodie, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally
convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he
expresses his doubts to Geordie, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Geordie. "I've known the Pope a long time."

Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Geordie and
his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
when Geordie says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Geordie emerges with the Pope on
the balcony.

But by the time Geordie returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his
way to his boss's side, Geordie asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to
me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Geordie?

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day
little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon
I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that
She wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say
a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with It just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled
down
her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
Toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!"


The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....



They say it's only for the Christmas period.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

A gentleman in an obvious state of distress gingerly walked into the doctor's office.
DOCTOR: "Well what seems to be the trouble?"
Man: "It is rather embaressing, but it'll be easier if I just show you."

At this point the man dropped his trousers and turned around to show the doctor his @rse. His anus was ripped to the size of a football and there was severe bruising all around.

DOCTOR: "My god man, what has happened to you??"
Man: "Well I was on safari in Kenya and I was raped by a bull elephant."
DOCTOR: "Really? That sounds a bit odd - I know my knowledge of vetinary science is not perfect, but I thought elephants had very long but thin penises?"
Man: "Well yes they do doctor...but he fingered me first."

Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding
anniversary.

One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other man replied," A Jag and a Mercedes."

"wow that's weird, why both?"

"Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes.

What did you get your wife?"

"A pair of slippers and a vibrator.

"wow that's really weird why?"

"well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself!"

One day mother was cleaning little Johnny's room and under his mattress she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. "Get your parents to
tell you a story with a moral at the end of it." The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess." "And the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched"
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. My Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete 'till the blade broke
and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have relations with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
dickhead."

The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

“Not yet.” replied his mother.

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over, love
You're about to get fisted


Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy

Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
and wiggle a bit

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
just like your vagina

Roses are red
it's elementary
Let's call up a friend
and try double-entry

Roses are empty
Violets are hollow
Get it in your mouth, babe
And make sure you swallow

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

A young couple had saved themselves for their wedding night. On the way to the honeymoon hotel she says "darling, I have a confession, I'm flat chested, I have breasts like a small child." He says "It's OK darling, I love you, it doesn't matter. besides, I have a confession to make, I'm hung like a small child."
She looks disappointed but says "That's OK darling. I love you, it doesn't matter."
In the room, she takes off her top, nothing, totally flat chested. He drops his pants, she screams and faints.
When she awakes he says "Darling, I told you I was hung like a small child".
She says "Yes, but I didn't think you meant 18 inches long weighing six and a half pounds!"

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