Thai List's Jokes Part 2

Piss yourself silly with our funnies:
by Somchai

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Speaking of smells ...

Two 80-year olds having oral sex :

He says : "I can't stay down there any more, it stinks too much"

She says : "Yes, I'm sorry, it's my arthritis"

He : "What ... in your fanny ?"

She : "No, in my arms ... I can't wipe my arse"

;-)

 


Subject: So, this rabbit walks into a pub....

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?'

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and
leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a rougish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love
it.'

'Ok' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?'

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said 'You never came back, after that fateful night. What happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'B*gger' said the barman, 'what from?'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said... 'Mixing Me Toasties.'

 


two tramps sitting on a park bench, one sniffs and says to the other
have you just shit?

no he replies,

pull down your pants and let me see,

so he pulls down his pants and there's a huge smelly turd,

i thought you said you hadn't just shit,

he replied, i haven't thats yesterdays

Two queers chatting ...

One says ... (sniff, sniff), I can smell sperm ...

... the other says : Yes, I've just farted.

;-)
Years gon by when Sainsbury's grocer's were tradesmen who would
wear straw hats and striped aprons. Henry, a normally Quiet man
who never talked about work when was at home, explained to his
loving wife that his store had been blessed with a new bacon slicer.
Little by little did he explain to her the merits, magnificence,
and outstanding beauty of this new slicer. Eventually she demanded
to know what it was that was so interesting that he never shut up
about the subject. OH , Oh , Well ER UM , do you know, He said,
I would realy like to put my dick in that slicer. O K. said his
wife you can if you like. Are you sure that you wont mind he asked;
'not at all' she insisted it will serve you right.
The next day he unexpectedly returned home mid afternoon
and explained that he had been sacked for doing what she told
him to do. Did you realy put your dick in the bacon slicer she asked
'yes' he said, and you realy got the sack. Yes he answered again.
Well she asked, what happened to the bacon slicer. Oh!
she was sacked as well.

Which of course reminds me of when my somewhat unstable pal,
Arthur Cough, who worked at Morrison's as a packer.
Mondays were always a bad day and this particular one was worse
than usual. On Sunday, Artie had been fishing as usual, he never fished
before he got married but when he found out his new wife had worms, he
thought he may as well use the buggers.
Anyway, he'd caught fuck all, except for a young couple going at it
like a rat up a drainpipe, in't rushes.
Sorry, thats two other stories, so where was I, oh yes, Monday at Morrison's
and Artie was pissed off with life at the checkout.
This ugly old biddy, very kindly asked Artie if, not only would he pack her
trolley, but would he take it out to the bus stop for her and she'd give him
10 p.
"Ten p, ten fucking p," yelled Artie. "You can get stuffed you old cow."
Artie had obviously forgotten his recent customer care course.
The old lady was not amused and started to call him all the names under the
sun.
Artie, not known for his tolerance, strangled the old bat.
The girl at the till immediately started screaming, so he strangled her too.
With all this commotion going on, the manager rushed over and tried to
restrain Artie who was throwing a reet wobbler. Bad idea, Artie strangled him
as well.
Eventually the police arrived, chased Artie up and down the aisles and
finally caught him, duffed him up a bit and took him off t'nick.

The headline in the next day's Bradford Telegraph & Aurgus was -

'Artie chokes 3 for 10p at Morrison's.'
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded, and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Good old boy Boudreaux grew up in Louisiana Cajun country. He was
patriotic, so he joined the Army. His first military assignment was to
a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, they
assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government
benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees
nearly $30 per month more for their higher coverage than what the
government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and
observe Boudreaux's sales pitch. Boudreaux stood up before his latest
group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and
go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.
If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30 a
month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000. "NOW,"
Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq
first?"

Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet
is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but
dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London
where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is
going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous,
earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in
the British Empire.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's
ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept
my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a
Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
From my South African cousin,

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"


The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."

"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."

"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."

"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."

So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did
with the dead cow:

"You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow,
and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I
didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."

"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"

"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5
and he was happy!"


Sipho is now in parliament ..

Thought for the day

Handle every situation like a Fox Terrier ....



If you can't Eat it or Screw it,
Piss on it and Walk Away

For the Football fans

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

A whore got married and was worried that after 10 years on the game she would be a bit loose in the box, so on her wedding night she was just about to guide her new man in when she says "when I was young I caught my fanny on a fence and slipped so I might seem a little wide down there". After two hours the new hubby stops and say's "just how far were you accross the field when you noticed you were caught?"

After digging to a depth of 1,000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 1,000 years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2,000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "U.K. scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Scottish."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.”

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a
victim of the latest scam while shopping. This happened at the Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the
mall while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag while the other
comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost
coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Mall.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having
sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't
find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful !

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.


The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."


The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."


The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."


The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything Right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fu**ing widow."

At a meeting with Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush turned to
the Queen and said:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to
be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again,
Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and
you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
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